Wszystkim trafiają się gorsze dni czy nawet gorszy okres w życiu. Wszyscy miewają zły humor. Wszyscy potrzebują czasami wsparcia.
Zdarza się, że zamiast pocieszenia otrzymujemy klasyczne „będzie dobrze” i szlag nas trafia.
Dzisiaj kilka porad na temat tego, jak nie należy pocieszać i jakie teksty „pocieszające” lepiej sobie darować.
Jak nie należy pocieszać?
Wyobraź sobie najgorszy dzień swojego życia, pomnóż go razy dwa. Dodaj do tego emocje, czasami skrajne. Pomyśl o tym, czego chciałeś od innych. I już wiesz dlaczego „będzie dobrze” tak strasznie nie pomaga, czasami wręcz jeszcze pogłębia dół, w którym jesteśmy. Czując się źle – nie dociera do nas, że może być lepiej. dlatego lepiej unikać tego sformułowania chcąc kogoś podnieść na duchu.
Kolejnym błędem pocieszającego jest przejmowanie emocji. I to tych depresyjnych, smutnych, rozgoryczonych – generalnie najgorszych. Osoba, które potrzebuje pocieszenia nie oczekuje od nas, że przejmiemy jej cierpienie (jakie by ono nie było), a już na pewno nie zależy jej, by i nam zrobiło się źle. Nie oznacza to także przebrania się w strój pajaca i próby rozśmieszenia zasmuconego. To także nie pomoże. Grunt to równowaga. Empatia i uważne obserwowanie reakcji.
Inny, według mnie, także spory błąd to sformułowanie „wiem, co czujesz”. Jak jest mi źle to ostatnie, co chcę usłyszeć to właśnie te trzy słowa. Z prostego powodu – wydaje nam się, że jesteśmy w tak głębokiej dupie, w jakiej nikt jeszcze nie był i skąd ten ktoś ma wiedzieć jak się czujemy?! No skąd? Z jednej strony może rzeczywiście byliśmy w podobnej sytuacji, ale, mimo wszystko nie jesteśmy w stanie oszacować jak myśli i co dokładnie czuje osoba, którą pocieszamy.
Dużym błędem jest także mówienie o tym, że „czas leczy rany”. Owszem, jest w tym ziarno prawdy, ale! Osoba, która cierpi lub jest jej źle nie myśli o tym, co będzie jutro czy za rok. Skupia się na swoim teraźniejszym cierpieniu i to sformułowanie jest dla niej abstrakcyjne. To zdanie działa na podobnej zasadzie jak „będzie dobrze” – taka obietnica dotycząca przyszłości, którą ciężko nam w niektórych sytuacjach dostrzec.
Zachowania unikające, pełne litości spojrzenia czy wypytywanie przyjaciół danej osoby jak ona sobie z czymśtam radzi także nie są wskazane. Osoba, której jest smutno i tak to zauważy, wieści prędzej czy później do niej dotrą. Nie warto bawić się w takie podchody. Nadmierne przytulanie czy nagłe uściski także mogą okazać się niezręczne. Unikaj ich.
Jak poprawnie pocieszać?
Dać się wygadać, wysłuchać, nie mówić pierdołowatych sformułowań (patrz powyższe).
Uważnie obserwować, czasami zwyczajnie zostawić.
Dać do zrozumienia, że jest się obok w razie potrzeby. Zostawić numer telefonu.
Zjeść razem karton czekolady. Nawet dwa, jeśli zajdzie potrzeba.
Wystarczy być.
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